Birthday Week Random Post Monday: You’d Rather Masturbate Than Make Love

As I recently posted on social media, in an effort to honor a commitment I made in My 2021 Year In Review, this post is part of a 2022 birthday week movement to post something once daily this week on my blog, The Impossibility Movement. As you can see from the title, I decided fuck it. Imma come out swinging. And before all the arthritic fatheads throw a spac about a sexual metaphor, relax. It’s just that. A metaphor. OK. Let’s get balls deep in this bitch. See what I did there? It’s another metaphor. Lighten up for fuck’s sake.

So lately I’ve had an influx of direct messages from various people reporting some paraphrased version of

“I live vicariously through you.”

And I always reply with some paraphrased version of

“WTF? Stop masturbating to my life and go actually make love to…”

Well fuck. That didn’t come out right.

Look, what I’m trying to say is, to be honest, it kind of drives me crazy. I’m looking around at all these humans that could have amazing, glorious, fun, exciting, titillating, electrifying, memorable lives. And THEY’RE looking around at every single solitary reason why they CAN’T have said life.

Do you know how many times per year I plan a trip or an excursion and invite several people? Guess how many of them say yes? Every fucking one of them. But the minute I start suggesting dates, or reporting Airbnb rates, or booking flights, they start dropping out, one by one, like crappy parlor acts on America’s Got Talent.

The harsh truth is when it comes down to making shit happen, most people would rather sit on the sidelines and dream than actually make shit happen. And that’s fine. But just know that’s the way it is. It’s not because you can’t. It’s because you won’t.

Sometimes you just have to say fuck it, like I did when I left a nuclear explosion breakup; had a full on mental meltdown; sold, gave away or trashed the vast majority of my shit; took a travel position at the beach; uprooted my entire plan for life; and moved from a massive house in Augusta, GA to a humble beach shack a block from the ocean (which I affectionately named The Zen House).

To this day, I know precisely TWO people who will say yes (AND DELIVER) to adventure, anywhere, anytime. Two. Fucking. People. How crazy is that? If you only knew your potential for living a life that you positively, unquestionably love, with a trail of colorful memories disseminated behind you like an ambrosial unicorn shitting an endless Skittles and Hershey Kiss rainbow, you’d be perusing your calendar right now for your next epic adventure.

Well, I guess that’s it for Monday’s post! What will I post tomorrow? Hell if I know. Find out tomorrow!

Cheers.

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