5 Ways to XXX Sex Appeal

Yeah, the title says “XXX.” Look, do you want it to be entertaining, or do you want it to read like a boring-ass 1978 orthodox psychiatrist’s manual? Face it, “Building Your Self Confidence” Enlight5or “Becoming A Better You” sounds about as entertaining as waiting for a Petri dish to sprout a Gonnorhea strain. Also, before all the stiff cranks throw a spac about mention of the nasty, this is NOT a guide to get you laid. I mean, it MIGHT get you laid if that’s what you’re going for, but I’m shooting for some spiritual enlightenment here. Not that there’s anything wrong with wanting to get laid. But if you insist on using it solely for that purpose, let me just reiterate for the 1000th time in your life that there’s limited fulfillment in shallow pleasures. On that note, I’ll just leave this free plug for Valtrex right here. Anyway, onward.

Contrary to popular belief, there’s IMMENSELY more to sex appeal than good skin, a hot body and flawless dental hygiene. Just ask anyone who possesses none of the above and STILL stepped up to the plate to find true love. You go, beautiful swan. As a matter of fact, I happen to find humanness and imperfection quite irresistible  All of your quirks, broken dreams, character flaws and blemishes create a unique mosaic that is absolutely, authentically YOU. And that, my friends, is delicious sexy sex appeal on a whole different level. So here are five points in no particular order. Shall we?

Body language.

For all the effort we put forth to look presentable before going to work, going out, or hell, going for a booze run, we don’t really seem to give two shits about what the face and body are doing behind the clothes, hair and makeup. We’re not even present to it. We fold our arms, drop our shoulders, slouch, look all flat-faced, stare at the floor . . . are you looking for candy turds left by the Easter Bunny? We certainly don’t smile unless we have to. We use our godforsaken phones to disappear into our own worlds. Get present to what you’re doing with your body. Whether you like it or not, you’re saying a lot with it. Folded arms = I’m guarded against what you’re saying. No eye contact = I don’t want to talk to anyone. Hunched shoulders = I’m not worthy of fill-in-the-blank. Fidgeting = I’m not comfortable in my own skin, and I’m certainly not comfortable in this conversation. Slouching = FML. Lift your gaze, pull your shoulders back a touch, stand up straight, smile for fuck’s sake, you know, like you give a shit about life and the people around you. Open yourself up to some meaningful conversation.

Listen, dammit.

We humans LOVE to talk about ourselves. Conversations regularly become a contest to see who can talk about himself the most. We habitually fill silence by talking about ourselves. But if you give someone a chance to open up about him- or herself, provide a safe space for listening, and then ACTUALLY LISTEN, you’ll be someone that others want to be around. Learn to ask thoughtful questions and really LISTEN to the responses. It’s not hard, truly. Here are some questions I routinely throw out to connect with my fellow human beings. What do you do for work? Do you like it? (If yes), tell me about it. (If no), what would you rather do for work and why? What’s something you’re passionate about? What’s your story? What’s your proudest accomplishment? What’s something hard you’ve had to endure?After you get comfortable throwing predisposed questions out there, you’ll start getting comfortable with freestyling. Be interested in people. They’re fascinating.

Know when to speak.

Conversation is an art form. Once you’ve mastered the art of asking questions and getting people comfortable with talking about themselves, it’s OK to talk about yourself a little too. But learn to wait for natural moments to speak, and learn to speak without dominating the conversation. Don’t be the one-up douche nozzle who pounces like a days-starved hyena onto a chicken nugget, waiting for any opportunity to tell you what a better vacation he went on, or what a better kid he has, or his wealth of knowledge about the paleo diet, or how many communicable diseases he has and the cost of each hospitalization. That kind of presumption is a wicked turnoff. Have a few funny or interesting experiences to go to. Just make sure you’re moving with the flow. A conversation has a life of its own, and if you let it breathe, it will flow naturally.

What’s in a name?

I’ve heard it said that Franklin D. Roosevelt had a passion for remembering things about people, including their names. The guy could apparently be introduced just once to anyone and address him or her by name a year later in passing. In recent years I’ve made it one of my personal missions to remember every name and face that I can. I’ve found that people love the sound of their own names. Imagine you meet someone for five minutes at a party. Then two weeks later whilst pumping gas you randomly bump into this person, who enthusiastically says hello and calls you by name. Do you know what that says to your subconscience? It says, “Holy shit! I was significant enough to this person that two weeks ago, with only a five-minute introduction, this sexy-ass beast remembered my face and name!” I mean how many one night stands have ended in forgotten names for God’s sake, let alone brief introductions? Remembering names speaks volumes about how many shits you give about your fellow human beings. Don’t be the twat waffle who says “Hey girl” and “What’s up dude?” to everyone because he can’t remember names, but he still wants to look like a cool guy.

Authenticity, copycat.

In the words of the late and amazing Bruce Lee, “Absorb what is useful. Discard what is not. Add what is uniquely your own.” Being inspired by pieces of other people’s styles is totally cool. Completely replicating another person’s style leaves something to be desired. You want the overall combination of the way you dress, speak and interact to be YOURS. Currently there are 7.4 billion people on this planet. There’s only one YOU. Embrace your uniqueness and authenticity.

 

This is totally not an exhaustive list. But if you’re feeling the effects of a fragile self image, if being skirted like the plague on Match.com has left you feeling unwanted, or if you just generally feel like you’re sucking the proverbial hind tit on the social totem pole, try your luck with the points above. I hope it helps. Now get out there and spread some genuinely infectious velvety goodness. You are a sexy beast! Cheers. 

Title photo cred:
Happy People Leaving by James Blann
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