As I recently posted on social media, in an effort to honor a commitment I made in My 2021 Year In Review, this post is part of a 2022 birthday week movement to post something once daily this week on my blog, The Impossibility Movement. And before all the indoctrinated Karens throw a spac about the subject material, I would presume that the lot of us have spent one or two hangover days in worse places than a car ride home (a church pew, for example). Let us not forget the importance of love, gratitude and joy, all of which I believe Christ himself would espouse without hesitation.
Unfortunately this post doesn’t apply if you’re a 24/7 kind of partier. If you’re partying on the reg, or if you’re using hair of the dog to postpone your hangovers, you’ll sooner find that Botox, a shrink, a medical doctor and/or a funeral plot will probably come in much more handy than the information below. Also, I’m going to skip longass explanations and scientific commentary for the sake of being brief. If you want to inquire further, message me. Anyway, here’s what I do first thing in the morning on the occasional day when I find myself challenged with regard to basic animation, motivation and clarity, with typically tequila as the culprit.
Now clearly you’ll have to get your decrepit sullen fart box out of bed for any of this to work, so come on, cupcake. Don’t be a little bitch. Get your unshowered, still-clothed arse up off the kitchen floor, or wherever your body decided to cut the power.
1. I pound about 16 ounces of water right off the bat, with a pinch of salt added for ionic flow. Then over the next hour I’ll steadily drink 32 more ounces (again, with a pinch of salt).
2. Dehydration causes inflammation, which is why your head, joints and muscles feel like COVID is making babies inside them. That’s why I take 800 mg of ibuprofen and a Pepcid. You’ll definitely want to add food to this step.
3. I take a shower as cold as I can get it, or I’ll do a polar plunge if it’s winter and I have access to the beach or a pool. You want to shock your body, drop a little epinephrine into your bloodstream, and get your heart pounding to boost metabolism. Additionally, I’ve found that the icy vasoconstriction which ensues will further relieve the body aches and the headache.
If you need to get out of the door and there’s a time constraint, the aforementioned steps will do. But if you have a little extra time,
4. I grab a kettlebell. Tabata workouts are my favorite for this purpose. I’ll do two separated sets of Tabata, eight rounds per set, 20 seconds on, 10 seconds off, using kettlebell swings or speed roping or an exercise bike. If you don’t workout on the reg, I absolutely do not advise Tabata, mainly because the way I’ve grown to understand how to gauge the appropriate 20-second intensity is how close I feel to death. In other words, if impending doom doesn’t cross your mind at least a few times during a set, you’re probably not going hard enough; either that or I just enjoy the occasional death check. So if you’re not acclimated to working out, a Tabata workout might just kill you. Anyway, go for a run or do some high knees or whatever. Hell, if your partner (or other consenting adult) is present, a bedroom rodeo would probably suffice, with the added benefit of an endorphin surge.
5. Last but not least, I get 10-15 minutes of sun exposure. A little vitamin D will have a myriad of benefits.